Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i've created a new STD.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
