slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
