Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
