I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
