seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You left your phone here
Wait...
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