I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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