my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize