Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
