Apparently you make a good broom.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
