So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
