Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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