1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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