There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
