you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
