No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
