you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
