I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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