i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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