We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
