Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Girls should come with a carfax report
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
do nipples grow back?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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