I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
