Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
