Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
