And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize