After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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