apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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