That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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