No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
