by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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