i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
