It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
