I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
