just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
