have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
