god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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