The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just gift wrapped bread.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
