Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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