I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
