1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
