We named our party play list daddy issues
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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