i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
