it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize