You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i out mim tonsoeep
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