i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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