I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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