Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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