I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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