Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
