I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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