oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wish you could order shots online.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
