I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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