So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
