Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
