I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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