I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
